Shirley J. Davis (Morgan)

Locus of control is about where we place our belief in what controls the outcomes of our lives: inside ourselves or outside. Looking for someone else to make us happy is an external locus of control, and a recipe for disaster. Looking inward for control over our lives and destiny is preferable, but it must be a chosen road.

I decided to write this article based on my own experience with this problem, which can keep a person trapped looking for something they cannot have, and which can ruin lives.

A New Concept

This can be a very tricky subject to approach, as some may think I am suggesting they abandon loved ones who hold them back.

My answer is simple: can you work around those people? If not, would you not jump off a sinking ship if there were no hope of saving it? Are the people you are clinging to so dependent on you that they cannot go on with their lives? Are you so dependent on them that you cannot do the same?

Until recently, I had never heard the phrase “locus of control.” My psychiatrist, when speaking to me about my anxiety over not being able to rely on relatives for emotional support, said that my locus of control was outside myself and that I needed to pull it in. I looked at him blankly, not having heard the term before, and determined to look it up when I got home.

When I did, I found a concept I had never considered.

The Definition of Locus of Control

I was floored. This definition describes, in just a few simple words, the entire focus of my almost thirty years in psychotherapy!

Having an external locus of control means looking to outside forces to make us feel happy and content. We look to our relatives, friends, and work to satisfy our needs for acceptance and love. The problem is that this is a dead-end street if we focus totally on the other person.

We are all interrelated as humans; however, allowing the actions of another to determine how we feel about ourselves sets us up for failure. It is neither fruitful nor fair to expect someone else to make us feel content. The hard truth is that no one can make us happy if we are not happy within ourselves.

Having an internal locus of control means looking inside for acceptance and love. In this way, a person focuses on their own strengths and abilities, working toward goals independently of the actions of others.

It is true that we will make mistakes. But if we focus on our own abilities and accept that we will sometimes fail, we can refocus our efforts and change course without depending on the behaviors and attitudes of other people in our lives.

The Possible Benefits of an Internal Locus of Control

Putting the power in our own hands instead of the hands of others puts us in the driver’s seat and eases the anxiety and pain of depending on others.

The benefits of an internal locus of control include:

• A sense of control over the events of one’s life and destiny
• Being more likely to actively look for solutions to problems
• Being more likely to see and create positive outcomes in the future
• Being less likely to feel like a victim of circumstance

It is important to mention that it is not the circumstances we find ourselves in, or the people we are attached to, that make us unhappy; rather, it is our response to them. A cage is only a cage if you think of it as one.

What if you thought of that same cage as a safe place instead of a hindrance? Some see a wheelchair as a burden they are glad they do not have to endure. To me, my wheelchair is a tool. It is not a burden; it is an assistance.

If we maintain an internal locus of control, we can look at our circumstances and find ways either to leave the cage or to make the best of where we are. In this way, we place ourselves firmly in control.

What an Internal Locus of Control Means to Me

In the session where I first heard this phrase, I had been complaining because I was very stressed over a relative’s drinking, fearing it would keep me from reaching my goals. It was hard to realize that my psychiatrist was correct. What happened to me did not depend on what this relative did. My happiness, I realized, is based on my own ability to move on with my life; it does not depend on the behaviors, attitudes, or sobriety of someone else.

I know this sounds simple, and perhaps I am oversimplifying it. However, having an internal locus of control takes a lot of practice and soul-searching. It means letting go of an illusion we have believed all our lives: the notion that others can make us happy. Ultimately, it means letting go of any belief that we might, in some small way, be able to control the actions of others, and that this control would make us happy.

A wonderful thing comes from turning your locus of control inward: solutions you have never seen before suddenly become clear. Answers to questions that have plagued us become easier to see when our emotional need for another person to make us happy evaporates.

Here again, I can give an example from my own life. I have wanted to earn a PhD in psychology for many years. I live with a severe mental disability and cannot live alone. The people I live with are not emotionally stable, and I found myself rolling about in a morass of emotions. I wanted to go to college and complete my degree while, at the same time, trying to find happiness through the actions of my loved ones.

Happiness from Turning Your Locus of Control Inward

Once my psychiatrist pointed out that my locus of control had shifted outside, and that I was basing my happiness on the actions of these unstable relatives, I could sit back and take a long, hard look at my situation. To my relief, I found that I did not have to depend on these folks to earn my PhD; I simply needed to work around them. I could have my cake and eat it too, one might say. While living with them so that my physical needs were met, I could go ahead and attend college and work toward that PhD.

However, I must constantly pull my locus of control back into myself. If I spend too much time watching and reacting to the actions of others, I find myself anxious and feeling trapped. When I pull back and look more closely at what is going on, I come to understand that my life is NOT dependent on what these other folks do. I love them, but because I am an adult, my happiness does not depend on what they do or say.

“I am not a product of my circumstances. I am a product of my decisions.” — Stephen Covey

© Shirley J. Davis. Shared on Ivory Garden with the author’s permission.