Library · Shirley J. Davis
10 Negative Conversations Survivors of Childhood Trauma Have with Themselves
Recognizing the old voices, and talking back to them.
Negative self-talk is a limiting inner dialogue with oneself. This kind of self-conversation can not only limit your ability to believe in yourself; it can also keep you from reaching your full potential. Negative self-talk is made up of thoughts that make it difficult to make positive changes or build confidence.
This article will focus on 10 negative inner conversations survivors have, the four types of negative self-talk, and methods to defeat it.
The 10 Negative Self-Conversations
Like all ideas and many impressions, negative self-talk begins in the way we speak to ourselves. If we speak positive affirmations into our lives, we will believe in ourselves. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true.
Below are 10 negative self-conversations that survivors often find themselves engulfed in, along with ideas for combating each one.
1. “I am not worthy of self-care; there are others more deserving than me.”
Taking care of yourself is not selfish, nor is it a crime for which you need to be punished. After all, if you do not take care of yourself, how can you help your family or others? It is not selfish to spend some time alone or to pamper yourself with a haircut or pedicure. It is also not a crime to say the magic word, “NO.”
2. “People are not trustworthy, so I should only trust myself.”
What a sad and lonely existence results when this negative self-talk invades one’s mind. No one is an island, and it is impossible for humans to face life alone. Reaching out in trust to others may be frightening, but if you do, I guarantee you will find out most of us are pretty nice people. The only way to begin trusting others is to go out on a limb and just do it.
3. “I must not feel or show emotion because it is too scary.”
Having emotions is normal for all humans, and trying to stop yourself from acknowledging and expressing them is not healthy. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions, from joy to sorrow, from anger to happiness. You are no longer a helpless child who can be harmed by an adult, so it is safe now to both show and feel all the emotions you denied as a child.
4. “I need to please everyone.”
No, you do not. It is okay to let someone down, because it happens. You do not need to conform to anyone else’s expectations any longer. Try not saying you are sorry when someone becomes upset with you, and feel the power that comes with controlling your own life.
5. “I cannot trust or believe in myself.”
Struggling to trust or believe in oneself is a common trait of survivors. We spent our early years being told, both verbally and non-verbally, that we were untrustworthy. We were also told that we only had worth in what we could do for our abusers. Both these messages are hideous, and yet they play back like old cassette tapes over and over in our minds.
One way to defeat this kind of negative self-talk is to look in the mirror at least once a day and tell yourself positive affirmations. Another equally important exercise is to make that decision you have been holding back on for fear of failure. Do it knowing that, yes, you might fail, but trust that it is the right decision for you at that moment.
6. “I always choose the wrong partner for romance, or choose none at all.”
Once again, the treatment you received in childhood is holding you back. The failure of your parent(s) to love you the way you deserved is getting in your way. Yep, people do make bad decisions about partners, but that is okay. Break-ups happen to the best of us.
One pervasive fear is that the person you are interested in will re-traumatize you. Trust your instincts. If someone feels wrong to you, you are under no obligation to stay with them. However, do not dismiss everyone who takes an interest in you because of fear. Use your judgment to decide whether the person is safe.
7. “I am always spaced out and can’t stay in the here and now.”
To be honest, because of a traumatic history, many folks are just like you: they space out or dissociate away from the present. Staying in the here and now is vital to enjoying life, and that means being fully aware of where you are and who you are.
Dissociating from our surroundings and the people in our lives is understandable, given the hurtful lives we led in childhood. Learning to remain in the here and now takes practice, sometimes with the help of techniques such as mindfulness or yoga.
8. “My life is ruined by the actions of others, and it is their fault I am miserable today.”
While no one can deny that what happened to you in childhood was wrong and should never have happened, the only person keeping you miserable today is you.
That may seem like a harsh statement for those of us dealing with the health consequences of the abuse in our past, but it is true. Allowing what happened to us in childhood to become an excuse not to better ourselves and move forward is self-abuse.
To defeat this kind of negative self-talk, work with a mental health professional and allow yourself to take complete responsibility for your life. That is a tough egg to crack, but the power you will feel from having control over your destiny is well worth it.
9. “I will never heal; it is impossible.”
The only person who does not heal from what happened in their childhood is the person who stops trying. Your healing began the day you acknowledged your past and took on the heavy duty of healing. It will continue until you can honestly tell yourself, “I am well enough now.” Whether or not those exact words cross your mind, you will know, because of the peace you feel inside about who you are and where you are going.
It is important to remember that healing is a long process, and sometimes it takes a lifetime.
10. “It is taking too long to heal!”
As stated above, sometimes healing takes a lifetime. I will share what my therapist once told me when I asked her what I should tell my readers about how long it takes to heal. She said, and I quote: “Tell them it will take longer than what they want, but not as long as they fear.”
The Four Types of Negative Self-Talk
People use self-talk as a mirror and a magnifying glass to see themselves and the world. The messages we glean from that mirror and magnifying glass shape our self-worth and our trust of others.
Negative self-talk can be placed in four categories: polarizing, filtering, personalizing, and catastrophizing. Let us examine each one.
Polarizing. Seeing things in black and white, good or bad, with no gray area in between. It is the thought that you must be perfect or you are a failure. To defeat polarizing, reassure yourself that you are human and allowed to make choices that may be mistakes. Errors are how humans learn best, so it is okay. It really is.
Filtering. Paying attention to all the negatives of a situation while filtering out any positives. To defeat filtering, write a list of all the positives in your life, no matter how small. Begin having an attitude of gratitude instead of being so hard on yourself.
Personalizing. Feeling that if something bad happens, it is your fault. To end personalizing thoughts, ask yourself whether there is any evidence to support your thinking, or whether it is just your interpretation of what happened. Think about what else might have caused it besides you.
Catastrophizing. Automatically expecting the worst to happen. A good example is planning a trip to see a relative but becoming afraid because of all the imagined things that might keep you from going or might happen once you are there. To combat this stinking thinking, ask yourself how likely it is that the things you have conjured up will happen. Consider other outcomes, such as having a marvelous time on your trip.
Learning to recognize negative self-talk can and will change your life for the better. You will feel the strength and power that come from owning and running your own life instead of listening to the old voices that echo from the past.
“If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present.” — Roy T. Bennett
“If you want to fly in the sky, you need to leave the earth. If you want to move forward, you need to let go of the past that drags you down.” — Amit Ray
“But you have to let go of it sometime, Gaby. You can’t change the past, any of it, and hanging on just eats your life away.” — Soheir Khashoggi, Nadia’s Song
© Shirley J. Davis. Shared on Ivory Garden with the author’s permission.
If you’re struggling right now, you don’t have to wait. Find immediate crisis support →
