Shirley J. Davis (Morgan)

Accepting oneself with all your flaws is part of being mentally healthy. However, survivors are often their own worst critics, picking themselves apart and holding themselves back from experiencing life to the fullest.

This article will focus on self-compassion and how to become more self-accepting.

What Is Self-Compassion?

According to the website self-compassion.org, written by Dr. Kristin Neff, “Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a ‘stiff upper lip’ mentality, you stop to tell yourself ‘this is really difficult right now,’ how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”

Let’s unpack that definition.

First, how often have you oppressed yourself when you failed or saw something you didn’t like in yourself? Instead of hating yourself or treating yourself with disdain, self-compassion occurs when you give yourself room to fail.

It is crucial to understand that everyone has days when they are not working on all thrusters. Indeed, there are some days when most people would love to start over or avoid the day altogether.

The difference is that people who are self-critical harp on their problems, brooding on them as failures of their character, and those who are accepting of themselves do not.

Ignoring the pain of what has happened to you only makes matters worse. Instead, try allowing yourself to heal by admitting you are having a difficult time.

Where Does Self-Compassion Originate?

Self-compassion has its origins in childhood, when we felt accepted by our parents. Research has shown that we cannot form a clear sense of self before about age eight. That leaves us utterly dependent on caretakers to show us how to behave toward ourselves.

If caregivers are unwilling or unable to send their children the message that they are acceptable, the kids will become ambivalent toward themselves. Otherwise stated, the positive or negative regard children are shown by their parents is often based on how they behave. The adults teach their kids that because they don’t always behave well, they are unacceptable as people.

As adults, these children grow up showing the following signs:

• They are highly critical of themselves
• They downplay their positive qualities and successes
• They think they are inferior
• They engage in negative self-talk
• They avoid crediting themselves for their achievements
• They take the blame for things that go wrong
• They feel out of control
• They cannot receive or believe compliments given to them

If you feel and think like the list above, you probably do not show yourself the compassion you deserve.

The Vital Step of Becoming More Self-Accepting

To learn to be self-compassionate, it is critical to work on accepting yourself just as you are today. Low self-acceptance is either the result or the cause of mental health issues. Therefore, learning to accept yourself is vital.

Self-acceptance means you are at peace with both your accomplishments and your failures. Once you have accepted yourself, you will realize that being down on yourself slows your life, because you cannot see the bigger picture of where your life is going, or that you have had control all along.

Accepting yourself completely is challenging because you are usually critical of yourself when you make a mistake. You judge yourself by your mistakes instead of your accomplishments. It is as if blinders on your eyes only allow you to see your failures. As a result, you become too cautious, so you don’t make the same mistake twice.

Becoming super-cautious after a failure is highly detrimental if you are living with complex post-traumatic stress disorder. You may have had a bad relationship with someone, and now you are terrified you will make the same mistake twice, instead of taking what you learned from the experience and choosing better next time.

You might even consider yourself one giant mistake because of what you learned growing up. This is not true. There is nothing of a mistake about you; you belong in the world. Never forget that.

Some Myths of Self-Compassion

As with any other psychological phenomenon, there are many myths surrounding self-compassion.

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, the number one myth about self-compassion is that it is the same as self-pity. Many people get this wrong, because self-compassion is actually the cure for self-pity. Self-compassion makes you willing to experience and relate to your difficult feelings with kindness.

The second myth about self-compassion is that showing it to oneself is a sign of weakness. This myth is especially prominent among men, but women also suffer from it. There is nothing weak about showing yourself the compassion, dignity, and respect you deserve. In fact, it is a healthy mindset to have. Research demonstrates that self-compassion is a powerful source of resilience and coping when one goes through a significant life crisis.

Lastly, you may believe that self-compassion will undermine your efforts to do better than before. Some believe that without a dose of self-criticism, you will fail to meet the standards you have set for yourself. This message is easily traced to how some parents motivate their children. Research clearly shows that treating oneself with self-compassion vastly improves one’s ability to meet goals and succeed.

Treating oneself with self-compassion, i.e., self-love, is not only valuable but life-changing.

Exercises to Grow Self-Compassion

You may be wondering by now how to grow in self-acceptance and self-love. The following tips can help you heal your self-compassion deficit.

Become more self-aware. When you have feelings or pain that are controlling your thoughts, do not push them away. Instead, welcome them and then separate yourself from them. Being willing to accept your thoughts and feelings allows you to move toward acceptance of yourself, and thus you will show yourself more self-compassion.

Separating yourself from your feelings and thoughts allows you to examine them more clearly and change your behavior toward yourself.

Learn to celebrate your strengths. When thinking about yourself, ask yourself the following questions:

• What are people always complimenting you on?
• What are your talents and good traits?
• What accomplishments have you achieved?

Using these questions, you can list your strengths and achievements and read them often to help you cope when things go south. Keep the list handy for when you experience a low point in your life, and re-read it over and over to help your brain learn to react positively.

Ending Our Time Together

It isn’t easy, as a survivor, to learn to accept and love yourself. Those old tapes from the past keep playing in your mind, telling you that you are worthless, a waste of space, and a failure. However, it can be done with persistence and self-care.

“The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are.” — Joseph Campbell, as quoted by Kristin Neff

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself. May I give myself the compassion I need.” — Kristin Neff

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” — Jack Kornfield

To read more articles like this one, visit Shirley’s website, learnaboutdid.com.

© Shirley J. Davis. Shared on Ivory Garden with the author’s permission.